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Small thoughts

on why the Britsh can find spring challenging

Yesterday a very remarkable thing happened, the sun shone and it didn’t rain. Well, not until later in the day. Like most Brits, I tend to hibernate throughout the winter months. Going out inevitably entails getting cold and wet and journeys outside of the house tend to be limited to those strictly necessary for living. Therefore, when the big yellow thing in the sky finally makes an appearance, I, along with millions of other Brits, emerge from our hidey-holes to ‘go for a walk.’

 

In most parts of the world, this simple act appears to be without hazard, but for the British ‘going for a walk’ requires having to interact with strangers. Not something that the average British person is good at, particularly after a long winter when we are out of practice. I should say in our defence that we are not unfriendly but being an island race we do have a well-developed sense of personal space. My German wife finds it hilarious that the British can see the same people on the train every morning and not know who they are, what they do, what their wives/husbands do for a living, where the children go to school and what illnesses they have experienced. We British are reserved. We have no wish to impose on others or have them impose on us. Nevertheless after a decent interval, say ten years, we might bid a good morning to our fellow human beings. We might even ask how they are as long as they have the good sense not to actually tell us.

There is just one situation where it is possible to converse two or three whole sentences with strangers and that is when there is a dog present. However, to be on the safe side, at least eighty per cent of the conversation must take place with the dog, then the remainder can be safely conducted with the owner. From a personal point of view I would be happy to conduct 100 per cent of the conversation with the dog as they tend to make far more sense.

And therein lies the problem with going for a walk. Unless that walk is taking place in the wilds of Scotland it is inevitable that you will meet someone coming the other way. I live in Surrey. Surrey is full of people and because yesterday was sunny they were all, to a man, women and child, walking along the banks of the River Wey.  So what does the average British person do to maintain the proprieties?

 

There are two popular solutions. One is to pretend that the world is completely devoid of other human beings. However, this has to be very carefully stage managed to avoid giving offence. Firstly, whilst at still quite a distance from the target,  you must gauge which part of the pathway the ‘invisible humans’ are walking along and then ensure you pass at the maximum distance permissible whilst taking careful note of the sky, hedges, ducks, boats or whatever comes to hand. The other solution for those of a daring disposition is to quickly mumble something as you pass. The rule here is that it must not be audible so you can say anything you like such as fairy cake, bread and butter, you have a wart on your nose, just so long as it can be taken for ‘good morning’ or ‘good afternoon’. The other person can then safely mumble a reply without any interaction actually taking place.

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